Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

When ur friends with white people

crying

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Sharon, call the vet

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.