If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
oppen heimer style lol
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.