If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?