If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.