If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?