Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

ㅤ

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

When does CPR become necrophilia?

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I’m the neighbor

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

#polloftheday

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

The Assassin.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.