Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

🤣🤣🤣

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

put ‘er there pardner!

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

🥲

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.