If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
HELP 😭
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.