If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney