Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy