If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
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My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.