If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
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Human are so complicated
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense