Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

they split up moments later

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*