Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.