If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.