If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down