Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague