If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job