If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
need him
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks