Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is so me 😂😂

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up