Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully