If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”