if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*