Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

dam girl

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?