Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!