If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
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I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.