Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.