If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes