Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”