Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you

me: stop threatening me

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.