If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
OH. COME. ON.
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
my retirement plan is braless
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive