If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
The government even made aliens boring
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache