If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.