Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
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I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
“Donatello” ~ Italian man telling me to keep a secret
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir