If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
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mumsnet is amazing
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
me before I type out affect or effect
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night