If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..


I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.


The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.


I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.


I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there’s some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.


i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter


Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.