If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
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“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
This line from Airplane.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong