If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
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“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down