If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
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Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically