If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
You Might Also Like
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house