If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.