Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

This is my brand.

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad