I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
He’s never gonna let me down.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.