If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

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I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.


He’s never gonna let me down.


“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.


14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal


Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.


I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.


me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor


me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer


News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.


ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.


I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English


My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.