Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass
Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food
Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white
Synopsis: My cat is a cow
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.