If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT