Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Amburglar_

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

@SCbchbum

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

@pilau

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

@kibblesmith

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

@ch000ch

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

@AllieA

I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.

@silence__kit

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

@SwartyComedy

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

@iamjohnsarris

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.