Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

you could not pay me to delete this app

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.