If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns