Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Well, this is awkward

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.