Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”