Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly