if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.