if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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Me trying to reach for my goals
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?