if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.