if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
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My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Lmaoo 😂
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time