if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’