Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted