If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
He wanted to make sure😂
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.