If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.