Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

💀💀

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

KFC hitting the cannibal market

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator