Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents