Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

A double negative is a big no-no.