Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Before & after 😅

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.