If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.