If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
You Might Also Like
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing