if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?