if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Cake!!
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”