if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Why is this me 😫
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂