if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.


[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt


I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.


Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.


Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.

Be smart.

Peep before you poop.


defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!


To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.


*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.