If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt
May never get over this
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.
Peep before you poop.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.