@Ten_Toes_7

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

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@designersays

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

@G_Faylor

[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@OakHill_

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

@iFluff8

Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.

Be smart.

Peep before you poop.

@lawyerthoughts

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

@ObscureGent

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

@Tommytoughstuff

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.