if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
