If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah