If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
LMAO
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*skinny dips into black hole
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it