If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
I triple waxed for this?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with