If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My birth announcement for our third baby
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Somebody’s lying.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Fidel Castro was alive?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”