Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.