Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”