If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
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My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery