My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The 6 types of sex
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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*throws phone in holy water