Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
You Might Also Like
Me: *pees on her leg*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.
I’m looking for food, not a reunion.
That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.