[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
getting groceries
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?