You Might Also Like


Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck


Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*


boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar


[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man


wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os


If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.


I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.


That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.