if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
*updates tinder bio*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.