if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
You Might Also Like
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
The game has officially changed 😎
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you